i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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