I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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