You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
