So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
