ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
