Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
