he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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