Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
