I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
