Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
