when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
