I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she told me i tasted like america
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
