if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
