So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
