Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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