I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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