Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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