I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
