i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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