Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
