I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
