I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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