We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
