So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
