A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
