Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
there is glitter all over my balls
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
