First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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