You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
