So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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