I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
