oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
