Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
