I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
