he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
