right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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