She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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