How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he thought i was a dude.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
