So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
