i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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