My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
