Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
