If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
