On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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