wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i drank out of a bidet.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
