Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
