You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
