okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
