I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
