you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
