Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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