And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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