you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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