sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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