I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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