weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
