i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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