Where did you get a picture of my penis
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Be still, my beating vagina.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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