Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
