Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize