My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the day after is always just damage control
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
